Remind Yourself That It's Ok Not To Be Perfect
Recently I have received many messages from people I haven’t spoken with in over 5 years and others that have never even spoke to me. Why? Well some people think it’s ok to discuss my health and life situations with others without even considering what that may do. I am no angry, I am rather thankful as it is helping me not to hide anymore and share what is going on in my life. I have decided speak out about this to try and help people understand a little more or even help someone who feel the same way I do.
In the early hours on March 25th 2017, I attempted to take my own life.
It had been my best day in the New Year I spent the Friday evening with my friends we had a great laugh. Everything was good, for the first time since my doctor told me I was suffering with severe depression I felt back to my usual self. I got home around 1am; I sat in my car for about 20 minutes or so then went inside and went to pour myself a glass of whisky. I usually have one every now and then, yet this time I didn’t need the glass I just drank from the bottle, not shots just pure gulp after gulp until I couldn’t take anymore.
I had been self-harming for sometime and it was a way of not doing anything more harmful towards myself. On this night I held a blade of broken glass across my body assuming I would continue to-do what I had previously done. Yet I couldn’t I turned to my travel bag and took out what ever tablets I had inside and one by one started to take them. Laying down in bed opening more tablets and taking them also at this point I had ran out of what was next to me I opened my draw to where I had 3 full boxes of tablets I opened each box knowing I wanted to take more. I knew I didn’t want to live anymore, a stroke of lucky maybe or miss opportunity I didn’t have enough time to take them before everything went dark.
Around 4-5 hours later I was watching myself lay lifeless I remember watching my mum walk in from an aerial view, I wasn’t inside my body anymore. She was there sat on the edge of my bed while I lay not responding, in what felt like 5 minutes to me was really only a few seconds I had flashes of one person crying for me to come back, to protect them to hold them. I was back in my body my eyes opened slowly and I just turned my head. I couldn’t speak I had failed in what I wanted. Now I had to face up to the pain I would have caused those so close to me. I didn’t want to answer my mum I just showed her with the little energy I had what I had taken and tired to take. I couldn’t handle to look at the pain on her face the worry she had, I don’t remember exactly what she said it’s a little bit of a blur. I don’t really think she had anything to say, just so shocked as to what had she had just found me like.
That day I spent in hospital was a real eye opener; I never wanted to be there again. I couldn’t put those who love and care for me through this again. At that moment I thought I knew exactly what I had done was never going to happen again. It’s been just over three weeks; the support I have received from family and friends has been amazing. If only I had the courage to talk before I got to the point of wanting to take my life it could have been different. Even now I struggle to speak at times, its gotten better, yet I have pushed people out of my life that I trusted most and spoke with most about my situation so now I have to find a new trust in someone who will listen and talk at any time. That’s my fault and I know that, apart of my recovery is going to involve growing and learning a lot; sometimes I haven’t been such a great human being I can admit to that. I have said many things I didn’t mean since this and I truly do hate myself for it, yet hating myself doesn’t help my recover it just makes me realize I am not all what some people think of me.
I lost who I was I have done many things to harm those closest to me and have really hurt loved ones feelings. Each day that passes I think about those and go through thinking how I can make things better with them that’s all I want in life is for other people to be happy for those who I love and care for to have the best in life. If that truly means me not being in their life then so be it, it's what they think or know what is best for them. I am ever so sorry, I hope you know that. I want what is best for you.
My scares are healing well, I am doing my best to be comfortable with them on my body it will take time as I know people will ask how I got them. How do I answer that… it stopped me from trying to kill myself? Well that would defiantly take a summer day and turn it into something dark. I have to face it, as I know it will happen, maybe for me if the people who read this wont need to ask if they see them rather just accept me for what I am. Everyday I see them they remind me of what I have been through; each individual one has a different story behind it, the reasons why I got so low at that moment and how I thought I was handling it. Some are worse then others; deeper, longer some are even still looking like fresh cuts. They have become a huge part of me now something I can never forget about.
For anyone who feels alone, depressed or having thoughts of taking their own life, please always know someone is there to listen to you. I want you to know I will always listen and talk to anyone who needs it, I have been to the darkest place and I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to get to the same point.
I am going to continue to post at least once a week on how I am recovering, what is happening and what I find can help me through my down moments to keep on going. Feel free to comment your thoughts, thank you